Happy New Year

Yes, I do mean that!  I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year!

I hope I do too…but I admit I believe it is unlikely.

Good news, my weight is down.  Lost 13 pounds (down to 326 now).  Not really surprised because I can’t seem to finish a meal.  I do eat.  But I don’t really want to.  I wait until I am really hungry and then just pick.

Did see counseling this past weekend and DH is now aware I don’t want to continue the marriage.  JOYOUS DAY! It was amazing! (do you hear the sarcasm?)  As I told him this I felt like I kicked his puppy.  He was so surprised! He said he knows we can’t go back but he thought we could go forward.  Don’t I want to go forward?  Don’t I want to be better, healthier: for myself?!?  He actually did indicated (with as few words as possible) that the weight he could sort-a overlook…but the smoking….no way!

Aside: not sure I mentioned it previously, but my quitting smoking did NOT quite work…Not yet ready to try again tho.

Back on topic: It is so very nice he can try to overlook the weight problem.  Don’t know how since I am so big and unattractive it is hard to OVERLOOK me at all!  I don’t want anyone to overlook anything at all!  I want them to just understand and accept me…period!

I am waking up, every morning, and telling myself/my reflection that I am a GOOD person and I deserve love and company.  I don’t need to change for someone to love me.  I can expect to be loved in the way I love others.  I never wanted DH to change. I loved him AS HE WAS!  Ya know, I know he is really happy about losing the weight but my ideal man is NOT thinny…But I loved DH no matter what he looked like or weighed.  I didn’t look at him and think…well, too thinny for me! Wow, see those ears?  That bald head sure sets them off.

I want someone who doesn’t look at my lumps, bumps and divots and thinks…wow, she would be so pretty IF!

I hope to find that person.  If I don’t I still know that I am worth more than worrying how I will fail.