Appointment set…

OK, set up an appointment for “Family Therapy” for 12/29/18 at 10 AM  Did you know the term “Marriage Counseling” is passe now?

o…kay…

I feel a bit of anxiety over going to this appointment.  I am worried the counselor will try to talk me into moving back home.  I’m a bit stressed thinking that DH may feel since I am going to counseling I want to move back home.  I’m not THRILLED with speaking to a man (yes I said it) about my issues.  Such prejudice I know.  The mere fact I feel anxious about this when the therapist’s gender really should not play into his role as communications facilitator, etc.  I feel concern, don’t know if it is misplaced or not, that through counseling I will be coerced into suffocating those feelings and issues that I have already suffocated for the past 20 years.  I realize this concern is really ALL in my brain because I have not yet met this person and the dynamic of the interaction between himself and me, and DH and him and DH, me and him are all just hypotheticals at this time.  But I don’t deal well with hypotheticals…like…ever.  (Unless they don’t apply to me and then I’m all over them! LOL)

I don’t know if I am throwing a monkey wrench into the whole thing since I really do NOT want to continue the marriage.  Yes, I miss DH.  He is now, and has been, a good man.  In so many ways a good husband.  He would be a better husband to someone different though.  I would be better alone than in a relationship like I had with him.

Since moving out I have been more active, lost more weight, needed less sleep and felt basically much happier and lighter than I have in the past 10 years!  It isn’t because I am just “living the single life”  It is because I am not holding things in anymore.  There are no expectations on me to be someone different and to behave differently.  I can’t…won’t…go back to that.  I also do not see/visualize and cannot imagine trusting DH w/my heart again.  He was pissed off b/c I lied to him about smoking (a few years ago!) and then I did come clean and have not done that since.  He lied to me for over 25 years!  And I don’t believe my heart can risk it.  I don’t want to risk it.

Hell…event thinking forward and imagining myself trying to date (someone ELSE).  I don’t know if I will trust anyone else or be WILLING to trust anyone else.  I feel like I would be perfectly happy w/a single life for the next however long I have on this big blue ball.  I would prefer (at this time) casual relationships w/no strings.

Probably not very mature…

Time will tell.