Survivor

I’m a survivor.  Ok, so I’m no Gloria Gaynor… but still…I’m a survivor.

This past week has been difficult.  Very busy because of work.  and that is A-OK with me.  Stressful but I can handle it.

DH and I are talking and stuff and my finances seem to be coming along.  So that is goin’ alright as well.

Getting used to living in a room…in someone else’s house.

But, I don’t WANT to say this…I want to just ignore her and forget her forever…But…I miss my mom.  If my mom were not freakkin nutz! I would be able to talk with her.  I am way (WAAAAYYYY) past trusting her with anything…EVER!  And yet I miss her.  My missing her almost feels like a betrayal of myself.

I had told her (five years ago and quite a few times since then)  if she pulled the suicide thing again I was never going to speak with her.  I almost didn’t do it.  I almost caved because she sounded so pathetic.  But after her last text to me (that I am aware of) I blocked her. According to mom I’m selfish and a disappointment and she and dad didn’t raise me to be this way.  Translation: I didn’t do what she wanted, how she wanted and when she wanted.  Honest! I swear it is true!  After I did her a favor, but not the full 100% of what she wanted (I did what she NEEDED) and then I didn’t go see her.  (Sorry mom but I can’t see you when I am so angry and hurt AGAIN! because you are a narcissistic twat!)  So with one finger she strokes me and says thank you and with the other hand she swats/hits/bangs on my head and tells me I’m a disappointment.

I am no longer available for that bullshit!

One week after landing in the psyche ward at my hospital I was speaking with a friend of hers and they said “Your mom told me how her words were misunderstood and she would never have done anything to hurt herself!”  I wanted to shake this woman and tell her pull her head out of her ass.  I didn’t.  If my mom has one friend, even someone who has blinders on or someone who simply has yet to be hurt by her, I’m happy.  I wanted to pull up the vile texts my mother sent to my brother and I telling us that she would simply commit suicide after she was discharged, the hospital couldn’t stop her.  Her “aren’t you happy you can say I told you so” texts came through loud and clear.  The bitter words because what we tried to help prevent (not with giving money or doing everything she wanted) but by offering our help with budgeting and assistance with grocery shopping and things like that) has come to pass.

And yet, YES, I still miss her.  She was actually quite a wonderful woman when we were younger.  Sadly when we started to grow up and develop brains and thoughts of our own she didn’t handle it well.  And yet part of me still misses her.

I think I need to learn to embrace that part of me and let myself grieve a bit for the mom I had and the mom I never had…and the mom I don’t have now.