While I ruminated on my current status in life I came to the realization that I am living a really crappy country music song.
My dog died
I’m likely getting a divorce.
My mom is in the psyche ward threatening suicide.
On the up side? Nuttin’ wrong with my car!
Started to move my stuff out of the house last night. DH stopped me, tearfully and with giant puppy-dog eyes, asked “but what’s next?” He wondered if I would ever come home and see my dogs. Did I want to talk with him, ever? Aren’t we, at minimum, still friends?
The whole time I kept trying to keep my composure; I failed miserably, btw.
Of COURSE I want to see my dogs! I am happy to come visit them. I cannot take them with me. The women I am moving in with have two dogs at this time. Also, even if I COULD take my dogs, does DH think I would do that to him? As much as I miss them so would he! I may be pissed, sad and frustrated but I am not heartless.
Do I want to talk with him? Just about every minute of every day! We have been married over 20 years. I am use to speaking with him. I want to continue to. IF we are to resolve our marriage (or dissolve it) we will need to speak. Brutally honestly and with an understanding that brutal honesty can hurt but it doesn’t have to be cruel. I told him we could have a weekly date night, I could come see the dogs after work and then he and I could go to dinner. At this point he finally mentioned marriage counseling and he is willing to try.
Are we friends? Actually the answer is yes. Unfortunately the answer is yes. We are, at least, friends. While that is a good thing (I believe you SHOULD be friends with your spouse) it shouldn’t be limiting in the scope of your relationship. DH and I are friends but we should have been more. This was both of our responsibility.
Then he brings things around to his crux-concern. “I want someone to grow old with and I don’t think you will be around because you smoke” He believes that (and I can’t call him a liar or call bullshit on him) that due to lung or heart damage I will be living a shortened life. This is petrifying to him. OK. I get it. So I say…go ahead and find someone new b/c this isn’t his only issue (he isn’t attracted to overweight women) and I cannot see where he is gonna get much different out of me.
I sound so bitchy. I hate that I sound so bitchy and selfish. I mean, DH does love me and simply wants me to be around forever! Is that too much to ask? Can’t I change and be a different person so I can be around forever with him? See…bitchy!
Ruth's Life and Experiences 