I wanted to title this “Suicide is painless, but only for the brainless”
-or-
“Cry Suicide for daughter, son and family abound…”
-or-
Fuk ME! Mom is at it again with the suicide talks
While all those titles may grab you they also make make someone call 911 on ME!
My mom is at it again. About 5 yrs ago I came into work and this message was on my voicemail, “I’m gonna kill your father and then myself. It’s not your fault. I love you” from my mother. Now she and I had/have a volatile relationship but I had not actually yelled at my mom in years. I certainly did that day. I called her up (yes…the mid-crisis suicidal woman answered) and screamed into the phone “WHAT THE FUK WAS THAT MOM?” She stammered and cried a bit and I bit out that I was calling the cops. “Don’t do that!” cried mom. That week and in the weeks following this event my world was turned upside down. My brother and I got custody of my dad. Mom got so angry she had a stroke. Eventually dad died (this is the super-cliff-notes version) and mom toddled off to live “independently” in a senior apartment.
Ever since that time my brother and I have been trying to explain to mom that living independently does NOT include: inability to walk, inability to toilet one-self, inability to get up off the floor during weekly falls…You get the idea.
Yesterday morning mom received information she is going to be evicted from her apartment because the level of care she requires is above what they can provide. Mom called my brother and left a tearful and brief message, “I won’t go to a nursing home. I WONT”
Rob let me know. On the heels of that conversation I received a phone call from the company that supplies mom’s nursing aid help. Seems mom had called them and cancelled all future assistance and they were concerned. I kinda started getting a bit short of breath at that point. Then I thought about it a few moments and tried to contact my mom but she didn’t answer.
Now I KNEW with absolute certainty that when mom was going to be forced into a situation she didn’t want to be forced into (like not being able to stay in her apartment anymore) she would “Cry Suicide” I KNEW this would happen. And yet, even knowing what mom was doing I was paralyzed. All the sensations, feelings…all the EVERYTHING from the LAST time mom did this came crashing down on my shoulders. It was like I couldn’t move.
I think my work-partner thought I was nuts. But she is too so it’s all good.
Eventually, I thought to call the apartment building and speak w/their staff. They informed me the company that supplies nursing aid assistance for mom called 911 because she was expressing suicidal idea-tion.
Throughout the day mom sent my brother text messages full of confusion and vitriol. She called me once and I just sent it to the trash.
I know I sound rather flippant. I’m not. And I don’t discount that my mom is unhappy. I’m just done. I cannot take anymore with mom. I will not allow her to make me feel responsible for her crappy choices in life. I am not responsible for her crappy choices in life.
I hate that the event yesterday caused me so much pain from almost a PTSD standpoint.
I love my mother but I cannot allow her to effect me anymore.
Ruth's Life and Experiences 