This weekend, as anticipated, was difficult. I was girding my loins (figuratively since I don’t really know how to actually gird them) and determined to get thru but I did have a bit of a setback. I took one of my dogs (My Mighty Nightmare) into the vet to adjust his medications. Nightmare is a wonderful dog. Unfortunately he is also a sick dog. He has atrial fibrillation, non-ischemic cardiomyopathy and pericardial and pleural effusions. He is on meds to make his heart pump more efficiently, meds to slow his heart rate down and medications to try to get the fluid out of his system. We did a pericardial tap one time and they got a lot of fluid out but it only helped for about 1 week. It isn’t something we can put him thru every 2 weeks.
So I go into the vet and present my case for increasing his Lasix The vet takes a good look at my dog and agrees with my assessment. He didn’t even charge me for the visit! That was awesome. And then he gently and with great kindness reviewed what our plan/end game is for Nightmare. That is the part that done-did-me-in.
No one was home and I felt so alone and sad. I did call DH and update him (nothing unexpected) but then felt even more alone. I broke down and I went out and purchased AND smoked a pack of cigs. While I feel disappointed I am not crushed. I didn’t purchase any more the next day. I am back on track and frankly feel no adverse or increased cravings since giving in on Saturday. I know I shouldn’t need the physical crutch but dammit sometimes I do. It was soothing sitting on my back porch, with my coffee and my dogs. It was a soothing routine and it eased my tensions quite a lot.
I am not happy that I did do this but I understand the feeling behind it and I am giving myself permission not to beat myself up over it. It is done and over.
Onto the next thing…
Ruth's Life and Experiences 