Money and stupid actions

I am not really good with money.  I poorly track and I am compulsive.  When I want something I get it and when I am upset I spend more money.

Last night it came to the fore again.  In the past 2 months I have spent about $1,000 on GAME app stuff.  Yes…GAME APP STUFF.

DH is, understandably, upset.  I can tell you, also, I did this knowingly.  I remember when I would purchase something (oh so easy to do on the iPhone) there would be this little thought…flitting thru my brain…flitting but absolutely heard…”this is so gonna get you in trouble”  And it did.

DH is pissed and I don’t blame him.  I do blame me and I should not have done it.  I do know I was angry at him and this was a (CHILDISH) way to get back at him.  It hurts him but it also hurts me.  STUPID STUPID STUPID.

No wonder Steve feels I am broken and cannot ever repair myself.  I sabotage myself often.  I need to stop this

I tell ya, I am fearful I am setting myself up for a giant fall.  I am working hard to exercise 3-4 times/week.  So far, part-way into week 2 and I am still doing it.  Even w/the back pain I am going and pushing through it.  I have quit smoking.  And now, day 6 no smoking, I am doing it.  This is, in no way, a guarantee but it is longer than I have ever done in the past.  Now I have deleted all gaming apps on my phone.   So, this is actually really difficult too, I really enjoy the time-out gaming gives me.  But then again I probably need a lot less time-out-time.

I asked DH to work 24 hours at a time (building trust and love). I asked he not look forward 6 months with the expectation I will fail.  He is of the opinion that whatever I do succeed at will only be short term and he can never trust me (NEVER should be in all caps and giant electric letters) to follow through.  I get that, totally get that, and I have asked he not look to months down the road.  Just look to 24 hours.  He has said, at this time, he cannot he is only able to focus on the past.  I am moving to the upstairs bedroom. “A bit of space may be good for us”

OK: so here is when I usually say to myself and to whomever is putting demands on me: FUK YOU! and go and fall backward and do what I want.  I am not going to do that this time.  I am not gonna do that in THIS 24 hours.  Tomorrow morning I am making that choice again.

I believe pain is going to become my friend for the upcoming months.